For many of us, that word is “should.”
We say it without thinking—“I should call them,” “I should exercise,” “I should be happier.” But behind every “should” often lies a layer of guilt, pressure, or unrealistic expectation that slowly chips away at our emotional well-being.
That’s why one of my (Clinical Director, Danyelle) favourite phrases is: “Stop shoulding yourself.”
No seriously—I love it so much, I literally put it on a T-shirt.
Why is “shoulding” yourself so harmful?
It’s my favourite to say because it tends to make people pause. They stop to really think about what I just said, and more importantly, what I meant by it. That pause allows space for reflection—on how often we use “should” language, and how quietly damaging it can be.
Great question—thanks for asking!
Using “should” language creates a sense of obligation that often causes us to feel bad for not meeting our own expectations, or those of others. It leads to guilt when we haven’t done the thing yet, and sometimes even shame when it seems like there must be something wrong with us because we haven’t followed through.
We often believe that “shoulding” ourselves will motivate us into action—but it rarely works that way. Instead, it piles on guilt and shame, leaving us feeling crummy and overwhelmed. And so, the very thing we “should” be doing often remains undone.
Or maybe you’re the kind of person who does complete the task after a self-inflicted “should.” So, what’s the harm in that?
Another great question!
Even when “should” leads to action, it’s often tied to unrealistic standards or perfectionism—both of which take a toll on mental health. “Should” statements tend to be relentless. They follow us around and rarely allow space to feel content with what we’ve accomplished. Instead, we’re left chasing ever-moving goalposts, which can lead to burnout, anxiety, or chronic dissatisfaction.
When we persistently “should” ourselves, we reinforce a message that what we’re doing—or who we are—isn’t good enough. In this way, “should” becomes the supervillain of our internal world, constantly working against our self-compassion, empathy, and acceptance.
Isn’t it a little dramatic to call “should” language a supervillain?
Wow—you’re really on a roll with these questions today!
Okay, maybe it’s a little dramatic. But here’s the thing: self-compassion, empathy, and acceptance are like the superheroes of our emotional world. They help us foster resilience, support sustainable growth, and nurture a healthier sense of self. “Should” language undermines those internal strengths.
So, next time you catch yourself “shoulding” on yourself, pause. Take a moment to reframe.
Try shifting your inner dialogue to something like:
- “It would be helpful if I vacuumed.”
- “I’m choosing to be more active.”
- “I’m working on feeling happier.”
It might seem like a small shift—but over time, how we talk to ourselves shapes how we feel about ourselves. And that change can be surprisingly powerful.
Written by Danyelle Lynch.