Written by Christianne MacNeil
Our roles as parents are ever-changing. Being a parent can feel like a slow, complex, letting go. The effort, awareness, and selflessness that this requires is something we tend not to discuss while we are celebrating graduations and preparing ourselves and our children for what comes next.
Graduation is a time filled with excitement, uncertainty, and a wide range of mixed emotions. As children graduate high school and get ready to move on to the next phases in their lives, as parents, we are also moving on to the next phase of our own. We are sending them out into the adult world, hoping we’ve equipped them with sound decision-making skills and the ability to choose amidst all the temptations and pressures. We want reassurance that we’ve prepared them. It is normal to feel excitement, pride, and joy as well as a deep sense of loss, sadness, anxiety, or even regret.
Parenting is this amazing gift that keeps on giving
The eighteen years spent raising children are profoundly significant, full of discovery, disappointments, and triumphs. Children grow and change and as parents and caregivers we grow right alongside them. Every time we think we’ve got this parenting thing figured out and find our groove, a new phase begins, forcing us to grow and adapt. We’re training on the job and just when we level up to being an expert that part of the job is over. The experience can feel remarkably similar to being unexpectedly let go from the most rewarding position you’ve ever held.
Purpose is a journey, not a destination
Parenting is a journey and our purpose is ever-evolving. You used to remind your child to put on a jacket before going out to play, but now your teenager is rolling their eyes at you. It’s hard to let go of the habits of parenting; it really does fly by. You may be asking yourself: how can I comfortably change with the times? What is my purpose now that I’m no longer needed in the same way as a parent? And how can I show up meaningfully in our relationship? When you’ve been working so hard toward one thing for so many years and it appears you have reached the goal, what do you do next?
You still have a mentoring role to play
From an attachment lens, even adult children still need supportive others in their lives for growth and continued adaptation. The parenting relationship changes in some ways and stays the same in others. Your role as a parent is changing but not done. Older children still need help fine tuning their problem solving skills and need parents as guides that can lead them to find the right answers for them, while embracing the inevitable mistakes that they make. Parenting is about providing the best space possible and then moving out of the way and letting them be their authentic selves. Work toward creating a dynamic in which your child feels supported and heard with room to feel independent.
As you settle into this new mentoring role, consider these steps to help you navigate your own well-being during this transition.
Allow yourself to feel – Sitting with our emotions provides the space we may need to grieve the end of one life chapter and move on and get excited for the next. Preparing and allowing yourself to feel the emotions actually reduces the likelihood of experiencing an emotional crisis.
Take small steps – Big changes are less overwhelming when we break them into small manageable short-term goals. Set small steps while you navigate this new phase of your life.
Stay connected – Make an effort to keep in touch with people in your social circle. We all need a good community around us. Stay connected to friends, family and your child as you navigate this transition. Some ways to stay involved in your child’s life during this transition are to establish regular times for phone calls and visits.
Practice self-compassion – Treat yourself with gentleness and care as you move through this period of change. Self-compassion is most effective when we meet ourselves with kindness during our most challenging times.
Seek support when needed – If you are feeling overwhelmed or struggling with the transition, therapy can help you find clarity, process your feelings, and build resilience for the future. A therapist can provide you with a safe, non-judgmental space to explore your thoughts and feelings as you navigate this phase in your life. Contact us and we will get you set up with a clinician that is the right fit for you.